23 January - Droning on.... and on...

You listen to your girlfriend/wife droning on in that particular brand of chatter that sweep/crosses many levels (deep, superficial, light, serious, instruction giving, confessional, whining, chiming etc) that your girlfriend/wife seems to be able to keep up effortlessly and for long stretches of time on end. You can’t quite zone out because she’ll be intermittently checking you for reactions, demand answers and contributions and you can’t just say ‘Yes dear’ all the time. But… if you put more than one woman together, 2 is ok, but 3 even better, you can really just be there in body and think about something else entirely: the precise percentage of pigments that form that particular shade of rust nt hat wreck over there, you did it get there, how long has it been there and is there anything still salvageable from it, perhaps a screw of that size you need to fix something else long held in your garage and you simply never went to the store to get a bag of them. You’re not being thrifty, but you really only need one.

So the lesson here is to always have your g/friend/wife accompanied by other women: her sister, your sister, her friends .. I know, easier said than done as this is not some small 50’s community we live in or the Bennett family from Pride and Prejudice but… Whenever possible encourage them to stay for dinner (during the day you’re both out at works so you’re safe. Ok there’s phone calls but they don’t last too long), come over at the week end, travel with you, come along on the trip to Ikea and so on. Just invent some affliction that means they have to keep their voices level, no screechings, no crescendos or this makes it really difficult to be able to zone out.

This may appear odd to some of your other friends/acquaintances. But once you take one or two other men into your confidence and tell them your solution to a common affliction, they’ll replicate it and pass it on and before you know it… inner peace. This is not a misogynist lesson by the way (though those polygamistic societies surely know a thing or two) at any one point you can ‘send the other women away’ so to speak and have quality time with the g/friend/wife who will be /should be suitably enchanted with having your undivided attention back and thankful for it. You on the other hand will now have a fresh clean slate and be able to rapturously listen to her for a sustained stretch.

Essential info will go in (what???? Joey has got a place at Oxford? Susannah is no longer seeing the crack cocaine addict??) and be retained and acted upon. Ladies, it’s proven science that he’s wired up differently to us so don’t argue endlessly with this lesson and don’t write me complaint letters.